14 "It was a riot! (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. I am eating. I say nothing much and the other person responds, yeah, its nice to be lazy sometimes, right? And I dont want to get into how no, its not lazy to need time to recuperate and our society puts too much pressure on needing to be constantly productive and not respect ourselves as people. None of us see each other over weekends. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. If I had a tail, I would wag it! The conversation can go like this either way and be appropriate and you not be on the spot either way. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) Me: Working. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. And I try to be easier on myself for not having the exciting weekends I think I should be having. 1. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? Answer with small truths. 13 "It was so relaxing. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. Climbing mt laundry! We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). Question. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. They also influence how OFTEN. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. (via Shutterstock) 7. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Enjoying life and nothing else. I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? - Casey Stengel ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! DP: No free time at ALL? Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Good luck. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. They need to stop it. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Are you me? Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. Am I supposed to answer? 101 Funny Weekend Memes to Ring in Positive Weekend Vibes - Winkgo No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. Amazing what showering can do for you. To read all future answers to your comment, please bookmark this page. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. This is how I feel too. No, it had just been earlier that very day. Them We need to have lunch soon I'm going to say this to my parents. So yeah, I feel that part too. You: Yeah, we should. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. So, now give me my money back. Vagueing it up works for me. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. Suggesting someones internal dialogue over a situation is a pretty extreme response feels blame-y and a way to police someones (totally valid) feels. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Great Responses to "What are you doing?" - HubPages I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. picked up a shift right off the bat. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. It's to funny for everybody. Cant. Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. 3. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Or something. Baking a cake. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Nothing? Im right there with you. Me: Nope. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. 2. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Good enough. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. 200 Best Sarcastic Quotes and Funny Sarcasm Sayings - Parade That takes some skill. But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Thats just how some people ask I suppose. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. men. Assholes. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! They say hey, and you reply with the same. Thursday is good for me. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. Thank you. Ah. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. Funny Answers To What Are You Doing (WYD) - MomInformed In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. She had already asked him. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! They may be angling to invite you somewhere. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. 17 Funniest Running Memes - Which One's Do You Relate To? - RunToTheFinish They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. That, or non-questions. Published on August 6, 2022. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. (Like the How are you? inquiries) 1. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. ? comments. Oh, such discerning eyes. What are you up to? Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. I read that post all the time. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. Try a Humorous Reply when Someone Asks "How Are You?" - All Women's Talk So I know what youre talking about. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. Nobody listens anyway. Its really not you, its them. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. But yeah. Trust issues and controlling family? Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. Setting a timer or alarms. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. Give small truths. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. , I am in a cat trance. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? This way, you are always busy when those people ask. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. And then both go on to other things. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. 3. THIS. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). I dont find it weird, I think its just whiteness and the safest thing to do is presume white people are going to be like this to some extent, until they prove otherwise. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. Aunt: Good! At least, it never has for me! If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Im glad for the above scripts! Neighbor! Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Something like this happens every single time. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Me: Dunno, but probably not. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. 300 Weekend Captions for Instagram to Salute All Working - getchip So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. ! OH ME TOO.