Decide whether to reach out to an ex or maintain distance based on It was like a weight lifted. I had never mentioned it to him as since I had miscarried it didnt seem like there was anything to discuss. There are several reasons why exs reach out years later, including they are just checking up on you, they want to offer a sincere apology, or they are jealous of your happiness. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. That was all he wanted and said hes glad Im ok, never heard from him since. 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore), What To Do When An Ex Reaches Out After Years, Is It Common For Exes To Get Back Together Years Later. I think you should let this one go. . (I mean, obviously, right?) In all honesty, there is no "after no contact" as no contact is . How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. People change over time, relationships shift, and priorities and interests shift as well. Loneliness will cause us to scroll through our phones and contact people we wouldnt normally. Keep me posted. It helps us feel less alone and like were among others when we do video calls, but they also can drain energy when youre also spending long days on work video conferences. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. I'm not annoyed by it, I just don't understand if it makes sense? I think youre right. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. Maybe you were really close with one of your exs friends or family members, and theyre either seriously ill and on their deathbed, or they died suddenly. In the abuse survivor community, this type of behavior is known as "hoovering." They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. Or maybe you both ended things mutually and somehow stayed out of touch for years. But how are you supposed to know that for sure? Stay out of contact with him, Al. Maybe you thought youve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. I'd done something he considered cheating. We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. You are busy. Shes blocked me off everything , moved twice now. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. When an ex contacts you years later, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it, says Jaseena, If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, youre probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. Nothing will raise your chances of reconciliation higher than when your ex reaches out to you after he or she has had the time to think thoroughly. I haven't reached out because I think he's married. I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. It was interesting seeing him again. Out of curiosity: if you ever reached out to an ex boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband/ wife years later: what did you want out of it? Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. He'd tried to reach out to me a couple times after the break-up. However, the primary reason the no contact rule works is that you're not supposed to respond to your ex. Perhaps they have even started dating soon after the breakup. I'm not mad that she reached out. Unfortunately, though, she didnt miss you long enough. 1. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later? It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I dont want to contact him, Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us. But if youre reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. Been talking to my ex for about a month and for 1st time in 10+ years I feel happy. Do what's best for you. Will things be better now? The best way to handle this is by understanding the fact that sometimes a text is just a text, says Jaseena. You can also use the online chat. If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. He agreed. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, its better to leave the text on seen. Throw out an invitation to hang out in a super low-key environment. Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. You might end up immediately assuming things like: Is this a new start to our relationship? But if youre with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. Long time. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. We're all human. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. Another reason why your ex contacts you suddenly after so long might be because they are struggling with their feelings alone. They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. Thats why he or she breaks the rules of no contact that he or she has been following religiously and gives you some of your power back. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. He ended up forgiving me and it was a wonderful feeling, to not have to carry around that burden anymore. You gave her a chance and she blew it. I dont care why youre reaching out now. It is entirely up to you to respond or not. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. It may not be worth getting dumped and hurt again. Video calls with loved ones are really meaningful when youre not getting to see anyone outside of your own reflection in the mirror. One conversation leads to two, two leads to three, and before you know it, youre arranging to Netflix and chill.. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? For context: I broke up with my 1st boyfriend who I dated for 5 years about 10 years ago. He sent me another not long after, again I read it and deleted it. I think I'm willing to give it a second try.". He's not doing well mentally. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. And then he behaved in such a way as if theres nothing to be addressed about how awkward the whole situation is. A really long time and the fact she is reaching out shows something is happening there. By the looks of it, you dont have a lot of respect for her, so you want to keep moving on without her. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. Although you had problems when you were together, you always worked it out and were happy. Somepossible reasonsfor rekindling the relationship include regretting the break-up, the ex is a better partner, and they were soul mates. After thinking about it long and hard, your ex decides tore-establish contactand tell you how sorry they are. They were also more likely . The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. Seeing your ex after a long time might effectively spell doom for your present relationship if you just assume your partner will be fine with this. ETA: He's the one who dumped me. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. We do not have a friendship, and never had one outside of our relationship. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. I confirmed that I had actually found out I was pregnant with his child shortly after we broke up but I didnt abort it. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. Invite them to join you for a drink to catch up, or suggest the two of you grab a coffee sometimes. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. She even made accusations towards me after the first month of our no contact to add salt to the wounds. Here Are 16 Coping Tips, The 4 Bases In Relationships That We Unanimously Agree On. The only reason your ex is trying tore-establish contactis that they need some advice about a serious issue theyre having. But other times, a conversation with your ex can also provide your ex with an opportunity to: When your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend contacts you years later, your ex finally gets over the anger, disgust, contempt, or suffocation caused by unhealthy perceptions and becomes okay with talking with you. Very hard, traumatic at times. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. What role are they going to play? I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning. However, before taking any action, you should listen to what theyve got to say, get some advice, and dont respond. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. Is there space for them if youre planning on letting your ex back into your life? In addition, we might reach out to friends who have been there before, and dealt with a life-altering event. One impulsive move can shatter everything. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. In such cases, the steps to ensure closure need to come from within. Reaching Out to Old Flames and Former Friends - Psychology Today later: 1. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. In fact,researchsuggests that 40-50% of peoplere-establish contactwith exes and start a relationship again. Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. But if youve received an adequate amount of closure after breaking up with them and actually have been able to move on, it could be easier to respond or even ignore the text. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. He contacted me on the exact date we broke up 4 years ago in february. Want to know more? A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. Closure takes effort and patience, and sometimes, the wounds wont heal with an explanation. My advice is to not get distracted by what your ex says too much and instead look at the things your ex asks or expects from you. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. I don't think it's reciprocated on my end & I thought not replying would prevent another attempt to be honest. Maybe your ex has actually stopped being an emotionally abusive person. Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. "You can't compare the person who you experienced a first or early love with to someone who you've had a deep abiding love with for many years through the course of a . Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because shes back in my life and in my mind. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife? I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace. Is there any ulterior motive? They are Feeling Lonely. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. He even tried to call and make the appointment for me. 6. His entire purpose was to find out truth from me. After a few weeks of talking, take the plunge and suggest the two of you meet face-to-face. We suggested you to not reply too soon when exes come back after no contact. But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. How To Reach Out To An Ex-boyfriend Or Ex-girlfriend? I'd be more likely to reach out to his wife and apologize for not seeing sooner how hurt she was, and that I was being selfish (I was, entirely). We talked briefly. Its imperative that you learn why your ex reached out after so many years so that you know what to do with your ex. After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. My ex contacted me after 10 + years. After a breakup, Bird said, some people just need "an emotional cutoff and want to remove all evidence of their ex from their life.". This helps us in two different ways. My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . When your ex reaches out after a long period of time, odds are they've changed. Your ex has been in your life for five minutes now and it is not okay to have a lovey-dovey conversation with an ex when your partner is sitting next to you. Writing back right away will only give. The first time he reached out, he called me a monster because I aborted a pregnancy I had with him when I was 15. Thank you Zan for your perspective. Nevertheless, when an ex contacts you years later, this is what it means. After no contact doesn't mean that your ex reaches out after 30, 35, 60, or any number of days. There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. I am considering contacting my ex that I havent had contact with I over 5 years. Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. What To Do When Your Ex Calls You Again After 5 Years Dont reconnect expecting the relationship to start back up at the depth it existed years ago. When this no-contact situation casts its shadows on your ex, they will look for opportunities to get in touch with you. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. I had blocked her and all her family on social media so no one could know what I was up to and I could just disappear. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends. In fact, it might even be a good idea to block your ex if they make you feel uncomfortable on any level. That's actually something I thought of doing. Once you give in to the temptation and reply to their message, you might be left utterly confused about their motivation for texting you. If you were dumped and forced to go no contact with your ex, asking your ex this question is perfectly fine. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak.